Something that I shared with a friend that needs to be posted as a blog

As part of the stages of grief go, not all of it is logical, there is time where I am just mad that others can get pregnant and have children and not struggle with a relationship that is not ready for a family, nor a body that simply will not perform to par. I could tell you of the people who's comments have hurt me, people who I never told hurt me, but I don't want to focus on the hurt or the insincerity of those who have. Some days I'm just simply more sensitive. But surprisingly grief has taught me many things..and has made me feel aged. Grief is now a part of my life, something I live with on a daily basis. I don't think I could survive without ever knowing my sons, and therefore, grief is bittersweet.

I hope that I did not make anyone think that they personally have hurt me. People have hurt me, those who maybe didn't know the whole situation, or assumed that I was okay with it, or joked about it. And yes, people have. It's the senseless comments people have made: You can have more, think I had a miscarriage, ask when I'm going to stop being so sensitive about it, tell me to move on...it's these comments, among others, that have hurt...and not by anyone in particular...it's not the person, it's the words. I know the person didn't know that would hurt me, therefore I don't tell them when it does. But maybe I should. I'm still pretty weak about it. Which is why I say it on here. No person is to blame..it's all part of the stages of grief and growing.

Yeah

It's been a hell of a year. And when I say hell I mean it. Since my last blog....lots of things have happened. Personally I questioned my reality, questioned my love and found myself lost in a fantasy world that I didn't even want to be in. Some very deep things happened. Some amazing realizations have happened. I'll start from the beginning.

From April through July I slipped into a new realm of depression. I don't know if it was denial or refusal...if that makes sense. I would spend hours playing games on the computer in a fantasy world with a make believe version of myself and a make believe child I had. Reading it on this blog...it sounds like psychosis. But I was happy in my pretend pretty world, with my beautiful Tuscan home in the sky and my baby. Like I said I would spend hours doing the equivalent of nothing. Or I would read through series of books in a week. Reading was more productive, but all of this distraction helped me be consumed with myself and speak to no one...including my husband.

August was the turning point. I seriously think I had a mental break down. Without sharing too much personal info I separated myself from my husband and we took vacations without each other. I went to a wedding down south, he went to a friends up north, and I have never felt so alone in my life. The week after this unfortunate event DH and I went to Arizona for 10 days. I re-evaluated what I wanted and shamed myself for thinking that I would want or need anything else but my loving husband. I am by no means saying he's perfect, love and marriage requires much attention and work.

November to December I pretty much hung on to my sanity with my fingernails. Forced myself to stick with a schedule and communicate with those around me. I have missed my life. I am slowly piecing it back together. And even then I don't think I'm doing all the work.

In other events: My mom got married, One of my sisters is getting a divorce, and one of my sisters is pregnant with baby number 3. I don't think most people understand how issues surrounding pregnancy bother me. My sister is great, but the 8 other friends that got pregnant "unexpectedly" or "right away" and have no struggles through their pregnancy frustrate me. I don't want people to baby me and not mention things like that around me, but neither do I want to be reminded how easy it was/is for them to have a baby. Sometimes it feels like people rub it in my face.
People's comments never cease to amaze me. It's the look on their face afterward that is what hurts. They know what they said hurt, but they don't apologize. I could go on for a while on this. But I'm done.

I think I'm angry. Angry about all of it, and what I have to go through. I hold a lot of it in. I am afraid to be brutally honest and hurt people's feelings.

DH is applying for schools up north for a Masters program. I am excited about this, but also feel that it's just another delay in starting a family of our own. I think I'm just impatient.

April 6, 2009

It's been a year. Happy birthday my sweet baby boys.

Love,
Mom

Wednesday

So today was kind of a hard day. No particular reason.

I noticed it when a woman was holding a really chunky blond baby- maybe 7 months old, and when a co-worker brought in her 10 day old baby. Maybe this sounds weird, but I was kind of afraid to touch the baby. Not because she was too fragile or that she wasn't mine, but because she reminded me of what should happen when you have a baby. I should have carried to term and brought my sons home. One day I will.

My heater broke yesterday...freakin' 53 degrees in my house. Try sleeping in a house that cold. I shouldn't complain- I have a house.

I have had a few suggestions through facebook on ideas for the boys' anniversary. I'd love to hear more.

Heating pads and tissue

So I'm not very good at keeping up on this blog spot. I get distracted way to easy.

I am wondering if I am suffering from stress of depression ...or whatever. I'm not sleeping well, I'm not hungry, nothing sounds good. I don't even want to watch my favorite shows. My muscles are tense...my whole body hurts.

You see, it's almost a year since my sons were born. I have no idea how to handle this. I miss my sons dearly. I want to do something for their birthday, but I'm not sure what to do. Anyone have any ideas?

So This is Me

Hello, I am new to this blogging thing and am introduced to it by my newest friend Lizy who has endured a tragic loss similar to mine.

In 2009, I lost my twin sons Harrison and Gabriel, who were 26 weeks gestation and just too small. The story is quite involved- so I will revisit the accounts later and hope that friends will help me remember the things I am not clear on. Until then...

I am 28, live in the armpit of California and have a Masters in Education, Multiple Subjects.

I work as an office manager for a local doctor who treats me very well.

I have been married to Jonathan (Jon) for almost 3 years, who has been my stronghold and my confidant through the last 7 years and an amazing comforter in the last 10 months. He is my best friend. I hope the following posts reach others who have been through similar unfortunate experiences and they find hope or peace... at least that they are not the only ones who have had to deal with a loss.

I hope this is a place for those who know me to share and write about my beautiful sons.