As part of the stages of grief go, not all of it is logical, there is time where I am just mad that others can get pregnant and have children and not struggle with a relationship that is not ready for a family, nor a body that simply will not perform to par. I could tell you of the people who's comments have hurt me, people who I never told hurt me, but I don't want to focus on the hurt or the insincerity of those who have. Some days I'm just simply more sensitive. But surprisingly grief has taught me many things..and has made me feel aged. Grief is now a part of my life, something I live with on a daily basis. I don't think I could survive without ever knowing my sons, and therefore, grief is bittersweet.
I hope that I did not make anyone think that they personally have hurt me. People have hurt me, those who maybe didn't know the whole situation, or assumed that I was okay with it, or joked about it. And yes, people have. It's the senseless comments people have made: You can have more, think I had a miscarriage, ask when I'm going to stop being so sensitive about it, tell me to move on...it's these comments, among others, that have hurt...and not by anyone in particular...it's not the person, it's the words. I know the person didn't know that would hurt me, therefore I don't tell them when it does. But maybe I should. I'm still pretty weak about it. Which is why I say it on here. No person is to blame..it's all part of the stages of grief and growing.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Yeah
It's been a hell of a year. And when I say hell I mean it. Since my last blog....lots of things have happened. Personally I questioned my reality, questioned my love and found myself lost in a fantasy world that I didn't even want to be in. Some very deep things happened. Some amazing realizations have happened. I'll start from the beginning.
From April through July I slipped into a new realm of depression. I don't know if it was denial or refusal...if that makes sense. I would spend hours playing games on the computer in a fantasy world with a make believe version of myself and a make believe child I had. Reading it on this blog...it sounds like psychosis. But I was happy in my pretend pretty world, with my beautiful Tuscan home in the sky and my baby. Like I said I would spend hours doing the equivalent of nothing. Or I would read through series of books in a week. Reading was more productive, but all of this distraction helped me be consumed with myself and speak to no one...including my husband.
August was the turning point. I seriously think I had a mental break down. Without sharing too much personal info I separated myself from my husband and we took vacations without each other. I went to a wedding down south, he went to a friends up north, and I have never felt so alone in my life. The week after this unfortunate event DH and I went to Arizona for 10 days. I re-evaluated what I wanted and shamed myself for thinking that I would want or need anything else but my loving husband. I am by no means saying he's perfect, love and marriage requires much attention and work.
November to December I pretty much hung on to my sanity with my fingernails. Forced myself to stick with a schedule and communicate with those around me. I have missed my life. I am slowly piecing it back together. And even then I don't think I'm doing all the work.
In other events: My mom got married, One of my sisters is getting a divorce, and one of my sisters is pregnant with baby number 3. I don't think most people understand how issues surrounding pregnancy bother me. My sister is great, but the 8 other friends that got pregnant "unexpectedly" or "right away" and have no struggles through their pregnancy frustrate me. I don't want people to baby me and not mention things like that around me, but neither do I want to be reminded how easy it was/is for them to have a baby. Sometimes it feels like people rub it in my face.
People's comments never cease to amaze me. It's the look on their face afterward that is what hurts. They know what they said hurt, but they don't apologize. I could go on for a while on this. But I'm done.
I think I'm angry. Angry about all of it, and what I have to go through. I hold a lot of it in. I am afraid to be brutally honest and hurt people's feelings.
DH is applying for schools up north for a Masters program. I am excited about this, but also feel that it's just another delay in starting a family of our own. I think I'm just impatient.
From April through July I slipped into a new realm of depression. I don't know if it was denial or refusal...if that makes sense. I would spend hours playing games on the computer in a fantasy world with a make believe version of myself and a make believe child I had. Reading it on this blog...it sounds like psychosis. But I was happy in my pretend pretty world, with my beautiful Tuscan home in the sky and my baby. Like I said I would spend hours doing the equivalent of nothing. Or I would read through series of books in a week. Reading was more productive, but all of this distraction helped me be consumed with myself and speak to no one...including my husband.
August was the turning point. I seriously think I had a mental break down. Without sharing too much personal info I separated myself from my husband and we took vacations without each other. I went to a wedding down south, he went to a friends up north, and I have never felt so alone in my life. The week after this unfortunate event DH and I went to Arizona for 10 days. I re-evaluated what I wanted and shamed myself for thinking that I would want or need anything else but my loving husband. I am by no means saying he's perfect, love and marriage requires much attention and work.
November to December I pretty much hung on to my sanity with my fingernails. Forced myself to stick with a schedule and communicate with those around me. I have missed my life. I am slowly piecing it back together. And even then I don't think I'm doing all the work.
In other events: My mom got married, One of my sisters is getting a divorce, and one of my sisters is pregnant with baby number 3. I don't think most people understand how issues surrounding pregnancy bother me. My sister is great, but the 8 other friends that got pregnant "unexpectedly" or "right away" and have no struggles through their pregnancy frustrate me. I don't want people to baby me and not mention things like that around me, but neither do I want to be reminded how easy it was/is for them to have a baby. Sometimes it feels like people rub it in my face.
People's comments never cease to amaze me. It's the look on their face afterward that is what hurts. They know what they said hurt, but they don't apologize. I could go on for a while on this. But I'm done.
I think I'm angry. Angry about all of it, and what I have to go through. I hold a lot of it in. I am afraid to be brutally honest and hurt people's feelings.
DH is applying for schools up north for a Masters program. I am excited about this, but also feel that it's just another delay in starting a family of our own. I think I'm just impatient.
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