Well boys, we moved to Northern California for Jon to go to school at SFSU. I've been on disability for 9 months because of the kidney stones that keep attacking me. This move is a big change, financially frustrating, and taxing on my mental and physical health. Transitioning to a city that mostly transports by subway (BART) and living in a (mostly) more liberal community has brought me feeling of insecurity and fears I have never had before. I returned to community college to focus on education and hope to get a credential in special education. I'm also hoping to transfer to SFSU next year.
I miss you boys terribly, and during my last visit to Bakersfield I cleaned and decorated your tiny headstone for Halloween. There are some Autumn flowers, some new lights, and two wind spinners with little pumpkins for designs. One thing I miss most about Bakersfield is being able to go see you boys, sit by your grave, and enjoy the serenity of it. One thing I never thought I'd say is how peaceful a cemetery is. Nana is in charge of seeing to your headstone while I'm gone, she does an amazing job, and misses you both dearly.
I know I don't write often, it doesn't mean I don't think of you. I try to light a candle and look at your precious pictures I posted by my bed when I wake up. I wonder how you would react to the cats playing with yarn, or the insane thunder and lightening we've had lately. I think about all of the cool parks in town and the really neat kids section at the library. I see 2 and 1/2 year olds running around and try to think of the silly facial expressions you'd make in the mirror. I miss you...every day. Life is changing, but you remain constant and in my heart. My heart is where you grow up, and my dreams are where I see you.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Happy Birthday to Harrison and Gabriel
For Harrison and Gabriel:
There are too many words to describe how much you are missed and loved. Tomorrow we will celebrate your second birthday with Jon's favorite cake (Jello cake). On Saturday a group of well over 15 people will be be walking in the March for Babies event in honor of you two, and this year we raised over $600 for March for Babies.
The family has grown a lot since you you were born. And in the next few weeks we will have a new nephew. Sometimes I worry that your existence as a children, cousins, nephews, and grandchildren have faded, but then I am so gently reminded of you all the time. I miss you at every event and during every day. You both are so very special to me.
There are too many words to describe how much you are missed and loved. Tomorrow we will celebrate your second birthday with Jon's favorite cake (Jello cake). On Saturday a group of well over 15 people will be be walking in the March for Babies event in honor of you two, and this year we raised over $600 for March for Babies.
The family has grown a lot since you you were born. And in the next few weeks we will have a new nephew. Sometimes I worry that your existence as a children, cousins, nephews, and grandchildren have faded, but then I am so gently reminded of you all the time. I miss you at every event and during every day. You both are so very special to me.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Something that I shared with a friend that needs to be posted as a blog
As part of the stages of grief go, not all of it is logical, there is time where I am just mad that others can get pregnant and have children and not struggle with a relationship that is not ready for a family, nor a body that simply will not perform to par. I could tell you of the people who's comments have hurt me, people who I never told hurt me, but I don't want to focus on the hurt or the insincerity of those who have. Some days I'm just simply more sensitive. But surprisingly grief has taught me many things..and has made me feel aged. Grief is now a part of my life, something I live with on a daily basis. I don't think I could survive without ever knowing my sons, and therefore, grief is bittersweet.
I hope that I did not make anyone think that they personally have hurt me. People have hurt me, those who maybe didn't know the whole situation, or assumed that I was okay with it, or joked about it. And yes, people have. It's the senseless comments people have made: You can have more, think I had a miscarriage, ask when I'm going to stop being so sensitive about it, tell me to move on...it's these comments, among others, that have hurt...and not by anyone in particular...it's not the person, it's the words. I know the person didn't know that would hurt me, therefore I don't tell them when it does. But maybe I should. I'm still pretty weak about it. Which is why I say it on here. No person is to blame..it's all part of the stages of grief and growing.
I hope that I did not make anyone think that they personally have hurt me. People have hurt me, those who maybe didn't know the whole situation, or assumed that I was okay with it, or joked about it. And yes, people have. It's the senseless comments people have made: You can have more, think I had a miscarriage, ask when I'm going to stop being so sensitive about it, tell me to move on...it's these comments, among others, that have hurt...and not by anyone in particular...it's not the person, it's the words. I know the person didn't know that would hurt me, therefore I don't tell them when it does. But maybe I should. I'm still pretty weak about it. Which is why I say it on here. No person is to blame..it's all part of the stages of grief and growing.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Yeah
It's been a hell of a year. And when I say hell I mean it. Since my last blog....lots of things have happened. Personally I questioned my reality, questioned my love and found myself lost in a fantasy world that I didn't even want to be in. Some very deep things happened. Some amazing realizations have happened. I'll start from the beginning.
From April through July I slipped into a new realm of depression. I don't know if it was denial or refusal...if that makes sense. I would spend hours playing games on the computer in a fantasy world with a make believe version of myself and a make believe child I had. Reading it on this blog...it sounds like psychosis. But I was happy in my pretend pretty world, with my beautiful Tuscan home in the sky and my baby. Like I said I would spend hours doing the equivalent of nothing. Or I would read through series of books in a week. Reading was more productive, but all of this distraction helped me be consumed with myself and speak to no one...including my husband.
August was the turning point. I seriously think I had a mental break down. Without sharing too much personal info I separated myself from my husband and we took vacations without each other. I went to a wedding down south, he went to a friends up north, and I have never felt so alone in my life. The week after this unfortunate event DH and I went to Arizona for 10 days. I re-evaluated what I wanted and shamed myself for thinking that I would want or need anything else but my loving husband. I am by no means saying he's perfect, love and marriage requires much attention and work.
November to December I pretty much hung on to my sanity with my fingernails. Forced myself to stick with a schedule and communicate with those around me. I have missed my life. I am slowly piecing it back together. And even then I don't think I'm doing all the work.
In other events: My mom got married, One of my sisters is getting a divorce, and one of my sisters is pregnant with baby number 3. I don't think most people understand how issues surrounding pregnancy bother me. My sister is great, but the 8 other friends that got pregnant "unexpectedly" or "right away" and have no struggles through their pregnancy frustrate me. I don't want people to baby me and not mention things like that around me, but neither do I want to be reminded how easy it was/is for them to have a baby. Sometimes it feels like people rub it in my face.
People's comments never cease to amaze me. It's the look on their face afterward that is what hurts. They know what they said hurt, but they don't apologize. I could go on for a while on this. But I'm done.
I think I'm angry. Angry about all of it, and what I have to go through. I hold a lot of it in. I am afraid to be brutally honest and hurt people's feelings.
DH is applying for schools up north for a Masters program. I am excited about this, but also feel that it's just another delay in starting a family of our own. I think I'm just impatient.
From April through July I slipped into a new realm of depression. I don't know if it was denial or refusal...if that makes sense. I would spend hours playing games on the computer in a fantasy world with a make believe version of myself and a make believe child I had. Reading it on this blog...it sounds like psychosis. But I was happy in my pretend pretty world, with my beautiful Tuscan home in the sky and my baby. Like I said I would spend hours doing the equivalent of nothing. Or I would read through series of books in a week. Reading was more productive, but all of this distraction helped me be consumed with myself and speak to no one...including my husband.
August was the turning point. I seriously think I had a mental break down. Without sharing too much personal info I separated myself from my husband and we took vacations without each other. I went to a wedding down south, he went to a friends up north, and I have never felt so alone in my life. The week after this unfortunate event DH and I went to Arizona for 10 days. I re-evaluated what I wanted and shamed myself for thinking that I would want or need anything else but my loving husband. I am by no means saying he's perfect, love and marriage requires much attention and work.
November to December I pretty much hung on to my sanity with my fingernails. Forced myself to stick with a schedule and communicate with those around me. I have missed my life. I am slowly piecing it back together. And even then I don't think I'm doing all the work.
In other events: My mom got married, One of my sisters is getting a divorce, and one of my sisters is pregnant with baby number 3. I don't think most people understand how issues surrounding pregnancy bother me. My sister is great, but the 8 other friends that got pregnant "unexpectedly" or "right away" and have no struggles through their pregnancy frustrate me. I don't want people to baby me and not mention things like that around me, but neither do I want to be reminded how easy it was/is for them to have a baby. Sometimes it feels like people rub it in my face.
People's comments never cease to amaze me. It's the look on their face afterward that is what hurts. They know what they said hurt, but they don't apologize. I could go on for a while on this. But I'm done.
I think I'm angry. Angry about all of it, and what I have to go through. I hold a lot of it in. I am afraid to be brutally honest and hurt people's feelings.
DH is applying for schools up north for a Masters program. I am excited about this, but also feel that it's just another delay in starting a family of our own. I think I'm just impatient.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Wednesday
So today was kind of a hard day. No particular reason.
I noticed it when a woman was holding a really chunky blond baby- maybe 7 months old, and when a co-worker brought in her 10 day old baby. Maybe this sounds weird, but I was kind of afraid to touch the baby. Not because she was too fragile or that she wasn't mine, but because she reminded me of what should happen when you have a baby. I should have carried to term and brought my sons home. One day I will.
My heater broke yesterday...freakin' 53 degrees in my house. Try sleeping in a house that cold. I shouldn't complain- I have a house.
I have had a few suggestions through facebook on ideas for the boys' anniversary. I'd love to hear more.
I noticed it when a woman was holding a really chunky blond baby- maybe 7 months old, and when a co-worker brought in her 10 day old baby. Maybe this sounds weird, but I was kind of afraid to touch the baby. Not because she was too fragile or that she wasn't mine, but because she reminded me of what should happen when you have a baby. I should have carried to term and brought my sons home. One day I will.
My heater broke yesterday...freakin' 53 degrees in my house. Try sleeping in a house that cold. I shouldn't complain- I have a house.
I have had a few suggestions through facebook on ideas for the boys' anniversary. I'd love to hear more.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Heating pads and tissue
So I'm not very good at keeping up on this blog spot. I get distracted way to easy.
I am wondering if I am suffering from stress of depression ...or whatever. I'm not sleeping well, I'm not hungry, nothing sounds good. I don't even want to watch my favorite shows. My muscles are tense...my whole body hurts.
You see, it's almost a year since my sons were born. I have no idea how to handle this. I miss my sons dearly. I want to do something for their birthday, but I'm not sure what to do. Anyone have any ideas?
I am wondering if I am suffering from stress of depression ...or whatever. I'm not sleeping well, I'm not hungry, nothing sounds good. I don't even want to watch my favorite shows. My muscles are tense...my whole body hurts.
You see, it's almost a year since my sons were born. I have no idea how to handle this. I miss my sons dearly. I want to do something for their birthday, but I'm not sure what to do. Anyone have any ideas?
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